things i have to do in the next two weeks:

first draft (7-8 pages), annotated bibliography, and outline of one paper.

8-10 page final draft of another paper.

8-10 page (or is it 10-15? fuck) final draft of a third paper.

come up with a concept for a sculpture to have done by the end of the semester.

I DO NOT WRITE THINGS. i can't figure out how to write 30 pages worth of stuff when i can barely write 5. it will be hard, and it will be miserable, but I WILL DO IT.

i also made haricots verts for thanksgiving. here is a picture, because they are delicious, and i'm still wildly impressed that i made them.

i can do this i can do this i can do this i can do this i can do this.

it's funny (and by that, i mean it's totally not funny) how one horrible nightmare can ruin the rest of your day.

i can't concentrate on anything and it's stressing me out.

to the small children who live below me:

i swear to god, i do not give a shit that you are small. STOP FUCKING MAKING SO MUCH FUCKING NOISE IN THE FUCKING HOUSE. there is LITERALLY A PLAYGROUND RIGHT OUTSIDE. YOU HAVE TO TAKE MAYBE TEN STEPS TO GET THERE.

stop fucking banging shit and screaming and running around inside or i swear to god i'm going to find a way to murder you. if this was only a weekend thing and it just disturbed my hangover, that's one thing. but ALSO GO TO SCHOOL THAT IS ILLEGAL TO NOT, YOU ARE NOT BEING HOMESCHOOLED UNLESS YOUR TEACHER IS DORA THE EXPLORER.

i hate them so much i want them to die

so this whole idea that i'm going to be able to fill up 8 to 10 pages talking about ONE SINGLE VASE is preposterous, to say the least.

i don't know what is on it and i don't know what any of it means and it sucks and doesn't look good and i want to go back down into the loeb and smash it.

academia and i don't seem to get along very well. i'm just going to go print more pictures of sad dogs.

last night i had a dream that my dogs came back because they knew i missed them.

not everyone could see, but if i walked into a room, they'd like manifest and greet me and promptly lay down at my feet and let me pet them and cry and hug them until i felt better. it was really nice. i wish that could really happen.

every time i walked into my house this october my heart would just fucking sink. i don't know how to react without them in my life. it's like they knew i had a bad day last night and helped me through it.

took senior portraits for two of my friends today.

my favorites are ones that can't be used for portraits, but oh well...more to bulk up my portfolio with, i guess?

i need to start taking more photos.

and developing.

and printing.

and doing my other work.

and stop knitting unless i'm going to do something for my thesis with it, but that's probably not going to happen.

WHY AM I CONSTANTLY SO UNMOTIVATED

i still can't get over the fact that i was a part of making this.

i'm so proud of my team and myself and everything. the longest wall on this thing is 28 feet long and it reaches over 10 feet tall. it's enormous and the fact that we built this in a matter of weeks is astounding.

this literally changed how i think about art, how i think about myself, and reassured me that i am, in fact, doing what i love. it was so hard, and coming home at 4am every night is utterly miserable, but it was totally worth every second, just to see how happy it made people, and to watch people be interested in it.

i fucking love art.

going home this october will be the first time that there have been no dogs in my house. in my memory, at least. there was a period between my birth and before i turned about two when the regler household was dogless, but that was short lived.

i miss you terribly, pups. you were such a huge part of my life.

this photo is such terrible quality and i had to change it to black and white so the coloring wouldn't be as awful but it's still one of my favorite of them.

so sophie's essentially given up the will to live without lacey, is what i've gotten from this.

i don't know if i'm going to be able to see my dog ever again.

i'm glad i prolong the goodbyes every time i leave for new york at least so i know that it was a good one.

it just sucks that i may not be able to be there for both of their final moments. like lacey was more "my" dog but STILL it fucking sucks.

it's like the end of an era. i'm not ready for it. coming home is going to suck.

it's so much harder at night when all i fucking do is either sit there and watch you ignore me or try and go to sleep and figure out where it all went wrong

things that stress me out:

rehashing old memories i never fully coped with in the first place

team sukkah in general

my relationship woes

the fact that i'm poor as shit

how overwhelming doing dishes is

how overwhelming CLEANING is now

laundry

walking to and from the apartment at night

encountering someone grieving while in the graveyard i walk through on the way home

woodland creatures

awkward coffee shop hours breaking up my schedule

my general apathy towards everything

the fact that i'm coming home in a few weeks

i'm not very good at listmaking. i never follow to-do lists that i set up for myself and this just made me feel worse.

can't stop won't stop making posts about things that matter to me, getting embarrassed, and deleting them later.

whoops.

my ukulele should be arriving at vassar either today or tomorrow which is quite exciting. i will play whiny songs on it, and they will sound happy, because how can you not when playing a ukulele? also, learning how to play it will be...interesting.

i wrote a letter today. it was meaner and angrier than i anticipated it being, so i'm not going to send it.

but i'm still thinking all the things in it are truthful.

i just want to talk to you, but i'm not going to be the one to do it first. i want you to want it too.

why is this what i do in my spare time?

i am so passive aggressive it hurts

posting here a lot more now to try and keep me at least relatively sane while the entire goddamn world explodes around me. but you know, that's cool too.

team sukkah is definitely going to take up a lot of my time, especially in the weeks to come. we went out for hangover harvesting and picked tons of reeds that we're going to use as the wall of one of our two sukkahs. our two sukkot? whoops.

i get overwhelmingly nervous and desperate and embarrassed when i feel my phone buzz and know it's not going to be who i want it to be. this is the fucking worst. i still don't get what good this is going to do, since with each passing day i get increasingly frustrated and feel more and more helpless. maybe i'm too dependent and that's what this is supposed to make me realize.

at the same time, though, i don't want to fall back on the opposite end of the spectrum and decide i don't need him at all...even though right now i do hate that this is happening and hate how this is playing out and replaying and Questioning Fucking Everything. this entire fucking fiasco better fucking be worth it, bro, because i don't think it's helping my end of the relationship at fucking all.

this year is turning out to be so much harder than i had anticipated. i'm looking forward to it being over more than i probably should.

also why are the only people that talk to me on aim anymore fucking porn robots

i should probably not have shit like this up on a public blog.

first friday was awesome. we all hung out, ate delicious food, and saw SO MANY DOGS. i'm so glad i asked to take pictures of this one, ugh look how fucking cute it is i'm dying.

i've been working all summer and it's nice to get out and actually enjoy parts of it. i'm going to a show tomorrow and will be dead on wednesday, but it'll be worth it. at least i work at a coffee shop so i'll be able to wake up pretty easily.

i'm slowly but surely starting to freak out about going back to school. oh my god senior year? i have to be a real person in less than one year? THIS IS FUCKING TERRIFYING

i went to the long beach aquarium the other day. the shark tank is my favorite part. i think this baby was pretty stoked on it too.

my heart is broken.

i love that dog more than life itself. she was an extension of me.

lacey/lacina/laceroo/my sweet girl, i miss you so much. i'm glad i was there for your final moment. it was so hard and i hope i made it easier for you.

my beautiful wonderful sweet and slightly crazy dog is being put to sleep tomorrow. my parents took her to the vet today and they found a giant tumor blocking off her urethra, making her unable to urinate. her bladder was filling up and if they didn't find that out, it probably would have exploded and she would have died at home, very painfully.

this feels like a bad dream.

tonight's her last night.

this dog has been with me since i was nine. i can't.

she's so fucking wonderful and my heart is absolutely shattered and i don't know how to cope with this.

i don't understand why i wear the same like five tshirts and two pairs of jeans but have SO MUCH CLOTHING.

i'm packing up my dorm now to get ready for putting shit in storage on friday and i have a box dedicated to scarves. SCARVES. what the fuck.

i'm so not prepared to go home in a week.

like i'm definitely excited and everything but

HOLY

FUCKING

SHIT.

this year's over.

i'm a senior.

GROSS.

i really really really love dear you by jawbreaker so fucking much because it reminds me of my senior year of high school. it's kind of bittersweet, though, because every time it plays, i get this feeling in the pit of my stomach about how wonderful it was for those like 5 days i had, home alone, for the only time ever. they were probably the most high school days of my life, minus the fact that nils was being an idiot and wouldn't come hang out with me.

i played beer pong, got grounded for like a month, danced around my house naked, and had this album on repeat the entire time. people came over and we just hung out, i baked food, and it was a really genuinely awesome time. i can't wait to live on my own. it'll be like that but with more stress and also jobs and such.

you know what? fuck it. i really fucking miss high school.

i have to write 15 pages in 8 hours.

i can do this. I CAN DO THIS.

My mom sent me this picture she recently scanned of the whole family on Easter. That is my sister on the left, age 9, always ready for a photo opportunity and looking all put together, and me on the right, age 5, being SUPER into my candy and closing my eyes and ruining (or making cuter, your call) our beautiful family portrait. At least my ankles are crossed like a true lady.

I'm really glad my mom sent me these. I'm seriously so blessed to have a family like mine. Obviously everything isn't perfect, because it never is, and there have been some pretty crazy ups and downs, but even as I grow up I know I always have all of them to support me...especially because I'm the youngest, so I feel like I get such a huge support system from everyone in the family. It's a pretty sweet deal, and I'm now kind of getting bummed I wasn't able to celebrate with them, even if I'm not a big fan of the whole Catholic side to it.

i've finally reached a point when i'm not unbearably homesick

although now i'm home in like a month

whatevz

TODAY IS THE DAY I START ACTIVELY TRYING TO LOSE WEIGHT.

AND PUT MORE EFFORT INTO MY APPEARANCE.

AND GET ON A NORMAL SLEEP SCHEDULE.

AND STOP BEING A SLOB.

AND PAY MORE ATTENTION TO THE WORK I HAVE TO DO IN MY CLASSES.

...that is all

it's really disheartening to see snow on the ground at the end of march.

also disheartening is the fact that i have virtually nothing to put on my resumé. fuck.

This is my dog yawning forever

nils came and went and now i have to get back to real life and working on school stuff and reading and developing photographs and sculpture and the like.

except he jacked up my sleep schedule and now i go to bed early and wake up early. why is this a bad thing?

every time i try and upload the photographs i've taken for the 365 project (also i've been incredibly negligent about even taking them, so i don't know why i'm still bothering), it doesn't work and becomes a huge shitshow. THIS IS ME GIVING UP BUT CONTINUING TO TAKE PICTURES WHENEVER I FEEL LIKE IT.

nils comes in basically 5 days again.

there is so much to do between now and then but it's fucking worth it

also, i survived snowpocalypse 2011 and i am so thankful for it. it gave me an excuse to be the laziest human ever.

i've shockingly been keeping up with taking pictures every day, but i haven't been posting them every day. does that mean it doesn't count? BLEH

i go back to school on monday and am freaking the fuck out. it's so fucking cold and i feel so unprepared and i'm determined to like be productive but i can already tell it's going to be difficult because of the snow. i'm gonna get my shit together any

way and it will be awesome, and i will lose 20 pounds like i am so damn determined to do but can't seem to start pushing myself to do while i'm out in los angeles. oh also i'll

try and get good grades and stuff.

also, since i am lazy and don't know where else to put them, i'm going to update this as frequently as i remember with the pictures from the *~*~365

thing. i started on january 11, because i still think 1/11/11 is funny. not as awesome as november 11, but that is still a while. but it will be an awesome day, since 11 is my jam (minus the whole, 9/11 being my birthday and that being a shitshow thing)

1/11/11

i thought this was lulzy because of the alarm i set. idk it seemed like a good start for the project, and i wanted to be hyped on all the 1's in some sort of way and this seemed the most appropriate.

this shit does not have a theme, though i feel like people's normally do? i don't know, i don't fucking get how this shit works so i am doing it my own away. maybe my theme will be how irrelevant these pictures are to the rest of my day. i hung out with jax, ate pinkberry, and dyed my hair bright red, but i took a picture of my phone's alarm at 11:11 on 1/11/11 instead.

1/12/11

the only other picture i took today was an awkward, myspace-y photograph of

my hair. i was making a stupid face and didn't think it should be included...so it wasn't. here, have my dog instead.

1/13/11

i went to irvine with veronica to visit laura, and we went geocaching. one of the caches was near a fountain. i took a few pictures, and a few crappy ones of the cache (THAT I FOUND, FUCK YEAH), but i liked the texture in this one. i'll probably replace it with another picture later, but for now, i'm kinda into this one. h8rs gonna h8, i don't care that this isn't *~*~profound and kind of obnoxious.

1/14/11

nils and i went to beverly hills to get a christmas present for someone who potentially lurks this blog occasionally, so i'm not saying what it is. what i will say is that high schoolers who hang out in beverly hills are seriously the most irritating humans ever.

as we were walking away, this little guy was hanging out in the doorway and we pet him and he made us forget how irritated we were at the high schoolers that we had passed seconds earlier.

also, i got a picture of him all squinty. tell me that is not adorable.

1/15/11

aaand today. i hung out with lauren at ucla today. i hate driving there, especially by myself, and am a terrible driver. oh well.

this is the jellyfish that chills on my rearview mirror. jelly rules, and the other pictures i took today came out shitty, so there we go.

and now i am all updated.

i wanna start that 365 project thing everyone keeps carrying on about. i don't have any interesting themes, though, because i am a relatively uninteresting person and always end up falling back on the tried and true topic, "fucked up shit..." but what else are people supposed to take pictures of?

my itunes just broke.

this picture is irrelevant. i just liked it because christmas was pretty sweet and i am a fan of the weird ornaments we have on our tree, both from my grandma and from my sister and me from when we were little.