it's so much harder at night when all i fucking do is either sit there and watch you ignore me or try and go to sleep and figure out where it all went wrong

things that stress me out:

rehashing old memories i never fully coped with in the first place

team sukkah in general

my relationship woes

the fact that i'm poor as shit

how overwhelming doing dishes is

how overwhelming CLEANING is now

laundry

walking to and from the apartment at night

encountering someone grieving while in the graveyard i walk through on the way home

woodland creatures

awkward coffee shop hours breaking up my schedule

my general apathy towards everything

the fact that i'm coming home in a few weeks

i'm not very good at listmaking. i never follow to-do lists that i set up for myself and this just made me feel worse.

can't stop won't stop making posts about things that matter to me, getting embarrassed, and deleting them later.

whoops.

my ukulele should be arriving at vassar either today or tomorrow which is quite exciting. i will play whiny songs on it, and they will sound happy, because how can you not when playing a ukulele? also, learning how to play it will be...interesting.

i wrote a letter today. it was meaner and angrier than i anticipated it being, so i'm not going to send it.

but i'm still thinking all the things in it are truthful.

i just want to talk to you, but i'm not going to be the one to do it first. i want you to want it too.

why is this what i do in my spare time?

i am so passive aggressive it hurts

posting here a lot more now to try and keep me at least relatively sane while the entire goddamn world explodes around me. but you know, that's cool too.

team sukkah is definitely going to take up a lot of my time, especially in the weeks to come. we went out for hangover harvesting and picked tons of reeds that we're going to use as the wall of one of our two sukkahs. our two sukkot? whoops.

i get overwhelmingly nervous and desperate and embarrassed when i feel my phone buzz and know it's not going to be who i want it to be. this is the fucking worst. i still don't get what good this is going to do, since with each passing day i get increasingly frustrated and feel more and more helpless. maybe i'm too dependent and that's what this is supposed to make me realize.

at the same time, though, i don't want to fall back on the opposite end of the spectrum and decide i don't need him at all...even though right now i do hate that this is happening and hate how this is playing out and replaying and Questioning Fucking Everything. this entire fucking fiasco better fucking be worth it, bro, because i don't think it's helping my end of the relationship at fucking all.

this year is turning out to be so much harder than i had anticipated. i'm looking forward to it being over more than i probably should.

also why are the only people that talk to me on aim anymore fucking porn robots

i should probably not have shit like this up on a public blog.