last night i had a dream that my dogs came back because they knew i missed them.

not everyone could see, but if i walked into a room, they'd like manifest and greet me and promptly lay down at my feet and let me pet them and cry and hug them until i felt better. it was really nice. i wish that could really happen.

every time i walked into my house this october my heart would just fucking sink. i don't know how to react without them in my life. it's like they knew i had a bad day last night and helped me through it.

took senior portraits for two of my friends today.

my favorites are ones that can't be used for portraits, but oh well...more to bulk up my portfolio with, i guess?

i need to start taking more photos.

and developing.

and printing.

and doing my other work.

and stop knitting unless i'm going to do something for my thesis with it, but that's probably not going to happen.

WHY AM I CONSTANTLY SO UNMOTIVATED

i still can't get over the fact that i was a part of making this.

i'm so proud of my team and myself and everything. the longest wall on this thing is 28 feet long and it reaches over 10 feet tall. it's enormous and the fact that we built this in a matter of weeks is astounding.

this literally changed how i think about art, how i think about myself, and reassured me that i am, in fact, doing what i love. it was so hard, and coming home at 4am every night is utterly miserable, but it was totally worth every second, just to see how happy it made people, and to watch people be interested in it.

i fucking love art.

going home this october will be the first time that there have been no dogs in my house. in my memory, at least. there was a period between my birth and before i turned about two when the regler household was dogless, but that was short lived.

i miss you terribly, pups. you were such a huge part of my life.

this photo is such terrible quality and i had to change it to black and white so the coloring wouldn't be as awful but it's still one of my favorite of them.

so sophie's essentially given up the will to live without lacey, is what i've gotten from this.

i don't know if i'm going to be able to see my dog ever again.

i'm glad i prolong the goodbyes every time i leave for new york at least so i know that it was a good one.

it just sucks that i may not be able to be there for both of their final moments. like lacey was more "my" dog but STILL it fucking sucks.

it's like the end of an era. i'm not ready for it. coming home is going to suck.

it's so much harder at night when all i fucking do is either sit there and watch you ignore me or try and go to sleep and figure out where it all went wrong

things that stress me out:

rehashing old memories i never fully coped with in the first place

team sukkah in general

my relationship woes

the fact that i'm poor as shit

how overwhelming doing dishes is

how overwhelming CLEANING is now

laundry

walking to and from the apartment at night

encountering someone grieving while in the graveyard i walk through on the way home

woodland creatures

awkward coffee shop hours breaking up my schedule

my general apathy towards everything

the fact that i'm coming home in a few weeks

i'm not very good at listmaking. i never follow to-do lists that i set up for myself and this just made me feel worse.